It’s true. We never have been able to. At least not since we married. At least not in depth like I want to. And I guess that’s one reason why I spent so much time talking to my best girl friend, my other friend who is like a mother to me, and my Facebook friends. I spent a lot of time on Facebook because I was so starved for real communication. It’s why I even opened up my Facebook account so long ago. I love deep communication. Deep topics. I crave it. And I can’t have that with my husband because he’s not a deep communicator. He likes to talk but it’s all superficial.

I was a stay at home mother and at times I really needed adults to talk to. Greg just wasn’t into what I was and he was a grouch by the time he got home from work. I was growing in my faith and was so curious about learning. I joined a Christian forum about end times prophecy, something that has always really intrigued me. I soaked up all kinds of information and I began to study the Bible in ways I had never studied it before. I had also been in many local Bible study groups off and on. But those were just one day a week. I craved true conversation.

One day, when I was still watching The Today Show, they were talking about Facebook. I was curious and signed up. I found old high school classmates and joined Bible study groups. I met new people. There was never anything inappropriate but I spent a lot of time on there. The more I learned, the more debates I participated in. I loved the “iron sharpening iron.” It was fun for me. I loved how passionate others were of their views. And Greg never seemed to mind…. At least, he never told me…. But I know differently now. If only he would have taken the time to communicate his feelings to me. At times, he would listen to me as if he was interested but he never had anything to contribute to the conversation. He seemed on board but that was part of his lies. He should have been honest with me about his feelings then.

I remember when we began talking about the affair and Greg told me in a very sorrowful tone, “I hate to say this now because it just sounds so bad, but I thought all you wanted to talk about was Jesus. I know how terrible that sounds now and I can’t believe I thought like that.” It crushed my heart. Yes, I wanted to talk about Jesus A LOT. And I did. When you become born again (for real because so many are false converts), you are so passionate about Him and want to learn all you can and you want everyone to know. You want to share what you learn. It’s no different than talking about sports if you are passionate about them or whatever else you are passionate about. You’ve found TRUTH and you want everyone to find it because it is a life or death matter. Those who are not born again cannot understand that. They may go to church and may have said a prayer “asking Jesus into their hearts” but they may not be born again. Jesus did say that truth would divide. His example was that it would divide a family of five….. I know we were divided by my faith. Greg’s actions and attitude revealed he had been a false convert. His remorse over his past feelings seem to show me that God has changed him. I hope I can trust that. Surely he is not faking…..

My side of the story goes like this: Greg would come home from work and I would be in the kitchen cooking dinner. My laptop was at the end of the island. While I was waiting on things to cook, I was on Facebook. He would come home and I would ask him how things had gone at work. He was usually grumpy and wouldn’t want to talk about it. But if he had been to the country club, he would start to tell me all of the gossip. I did not want to hear that. We were growing so far apart. It was as if he was sandpaper to me. I felt like I was losing my very best friend. I just didn’t know that I really was.

Many times I begged him to communicate with me. I begged him to turn off the tv and come be with the kids and me. I just wanted him to spend time with us. He would not. I told him that one day he would regret spending all of that time in front of the tv. Our kids were growing up so fast and they would be gone quickly and he was going to miss that. But he ignored me. The kids and I enjoyed being together and they were hurt by their dad’s lack of presence. I will not regret spending time with my kids.

I remember during the affair that I got really upset with his actions on something and told him how it hurt me. And I think it was meant to hurt me. He seemed so cold and did not care. He just sat in front of his tv with his computer. Of course, he was probably emailing her back and forth. I spent most of my time in the bedroom crying. He cooked dinner on the grill but I couldn’t eat. He sat outside and ate while the kids sat at the kitchen table. He was so distant from all of us. I got my purse and keys and told the kids I was going for a drive. The youngest wanted to come with me but I told her I needed to be alone. I still remember the look on her face.

I was gone for about an hour and a half to two hours. I called my friend and told her what I had done. She was worried but he was not. He never even called to check on me. He had never treated me like that before. I knew then that he no longer cared. My girls were very worried and convinced him to take them to the farm to see if I was there. I never even went there. I just drove all over to places I had never been. I got home and layed outside with my son on a lounge chair looking at the stars. Greg and the girls got home and he was still very cold. He told me they had gone to the farm to look for me. I told him I had not gone there and he said, “Oh,” and then he just walked off to the media room to watch tv again. I stayed with the kids for about thirty minutes until I decided I had had enough of his bad attitude and his lack of attention. I went to the media room and told him I was sick of everything and I was not going to go on our family trip in a week and pretend things were okay anymore. I wanted to go stay with my mother for a while. I told him I felt our marriage was over. He still looked cold. Who was this person? Where was the guy I had fallen in love with? I left the room and went to our bedroom. He followed. He begged me to go on the trip and not leave. Now that I know that he had just come back from being with her for the first time, I cannot believe he begged me like he did. He was so good at playing me. And good at playing her…. I told him then that I would only stay if he would work on our marriage. I told him that he would have to date me again. I felt like I was living with a brother or a friend, not with my husband. Of course, he was more of a stranger at this point than a brother or friend would be. We had to do something to be a couple again. He agreed and we did start having weekly dates. We made love that night. I had hope things were going to be better. And they were on the surface. But I didn’t realize he was so good at compartmentalizing.

We went on our vacation to the beach and had what I thought to be a wonderful time. We even heard our song while we were on our date at the beach and danced to it under the stars when we got back to our rented house. I felt like our marriage was revived that summer. I still struggle with that time and how much he deceived me. I didn’t know that he called her while we were gone. He also deceived her because he wasn’t honest with her about what was going on with us. He played both of us. Of course, she knew that was a possibility because she knew he was lying to me. She deserved to be lied to and used. She chose that. I did not.

We’ve been going to the marriage counselor for eighteen months now. Every week. He made the first appointment on his own and has made every appointment as well. We’ve worked on communication. And we’ve talked about what they talked during the affair about and he claims most of it was work. I’ve come to a point where I think I believe that because that is what he talks about the most. Work consumes him. I’ve even told the marriage counselor that he can be a boring date because he gets to going on and on about work. I’ve been at work with him all day and I’m tired of work. We deal with work issues all day and I just want to think about and talk about something else for a change.

And if I want to talk about something else, then I have to come up with it because he can’t come up with anything. Well, not deep things. He talks a lot and always has, but, after all these months, he still can’t initiate much deep conversation. It’s just not him. And that breaks my heart because I remember the talks we had when we were dating. There were deep talks: hopes and dreams. Faith. I remember laying on the hood of his car talking about God…. We communicated then.

Somewhere along the way, he got consumed with work and quit communicating. He didn’t want me in his business because he thought I wouldn’t agree with what he was doing. And why? Because he knew he was doing things I wouldn’t approve of. That should have been a red flag for him that he was walking away from the path. He began making big decisions without seeking my opinion. He bought other dealerships without discussing them with me. He got on the dealer advisory board and traveled all the time (I stayed home to keep the kids because we had no one else to keep them). It seemed that work and success were the only things he cared about. He built a wall and wouldn’t let me in. He just shut me out. He began assuming what I thought about things and grew resentful but he never asked me.

And then she came along. She began telling him how smart and amazing he was and she wanted him to teach her all about the business. She asked questions all the time. She told him she wanted to help him. She knew how to lay it on thick. After all, her college degree was in Communication…. She also shared that she was having problems with her husband. She claimed he would leave the house and left her alone with their kids at night. Was any of that truth? I believe she had a plan and did it all purposefully.

Part of what I have learned through all of this is that Greg was intimidated by me. He told me that I’m the only person who has ever really intimidated him. He laughed about it because people always talk about how intimidating he is. Some proclaimed you better not “poke the bear” about him. But, of all the people he has dealt with, I intimidated him. I was stunned. He always tells people, “She’s the smart one” because I had a higher GPA. I always tell them at the same time that I studied and he did not. Because I didn’t agree with him on some of his decisions, he thought I thought he was stupid and that I wouldn’t agree with any of his decisions. My faith and relationship with God was a big reason he was intimidated by me. When you are not living with integrity, you don’t want to be around someone who is. Yeah, I’m sure my faith did intimidate him.

He claims he thought I didn’t love him anymore. That ANGERS me so much. It’s how he tried to justify to himself that an affair was okay. It’s the classic cheater reasoning. Instead of being honest and communicating with their spouses about their feelings, they pretend nothing is wrong and choose to spend their time and energy lying and cheating. He treated me so horribly and I stayed by his side and prayed he would change. THAT is love. And now he has changed, but we still cannot communicate the way I crave. And I know some men can because I’ve communicated with them on Facebook (in threads, not private). I do not encourage private communication between married members of the opposite sex.

So now I’m left craving deep communication and intimacy with someone. Years ago, I wanted that to be Greg but I just don’t feel that connection with him. I don’t feel like we have intimacy any longer because he broke my trust and I don’t know how we’ll ever get that back. I don’t want to open up to him because I don’t know that he is fully open with me. I feel like he continues to hide feelings and such, although he swears he is being honest and sharing his feelings. However, he is a proven liar. I don’t know what is true anymore. I just feel like there is a great divide between us and that makes me sad and lonely. We are together almost 24/7 but I still feel so alone. I miss my best friend. I miss feeling that he had my back and that he was a shelter from the storm. He created this storm and he doesn’t know how to deal with the aftermath.

I think about this betrayal so often. Only someone who has been betrayed gets that. It is all-consuming. And no one else cares. It’s like any loss. You bury the dead and then everyone thinks you need to get over it right after the funeral. They don’t care about the process of grief until they go through it. And those who have not been betrayed don’t realize how painful it is and that it is like grieving a death of a loved one only worse. Much worse. It’s the death of a marriage and your past and present. It’s the death of your memories. It’s the death of what you thought was true. It’s the death of the person you thought you were married to. For all you know now, that person never really existed. Your life is suddenly defined by “before the affair” and “after the affair”. And when you were onlies like we were, you have now lost that specialness forever. I treasured that but apparently he didn’t and I will never be able to have that with anyone else. He ruined that for me because of his selfishness and stupidity and I truly hate him for that. It will always be a division that he caused. He may want us to be close now, but I cannot allow that. I just don’t trust him.

I long to talk to other people who have been betrayed. Greg did this to me but he just can’t really understand and he can’t help me. And he is starting to get very frustrated. He doesn’t like talking about it because he is ashamed. He doesn’t want to have to think about it. He wants to just move forward and leave it all behind but I’m stuck in the mire. He can’t pull me out. He can’t fix this like he would like. I’m just so angry because he chose to do this to me and now he wants me to just move on. I can’t rush healing. I can’t mend my broken heart. I can’t forget. I can’t just trust him. And I can’t fix what is broken in him that would cause him to betray me. I refuse to move forward until he can answer “why” and “how”. So we are at a standstill. I need to talk and he doesn’t want to remember. And I would so love for him to not have to remember. But I have to process this to be able to move forward. I can’t bury it until I process it all.

I struggle each day with the lack of true communication, trust, and honesty. I don’t see how we will ever survive. I think most of the couples that do survive adultery are those where  the betrayed overlook it all. They choose to rugsweep. I can’t do that. I want the relationship that so many others have. And I just don’t believe I’ll ever have that with Greg. I see us slipping into the relationship we had before the affair and I can’t live like that ever again. I won’t.