Masterpiece- Danny Gokey

“Heartbreaks a bittersweet sound
Know it well
It’s ringing in my ears
And I can’t understand
Why I’m not fixed by now
Begged and I pleaded
Take this pain but I’m still bleeding

Heart trusts you for certain
Head says it’s not working
I’m stuck here still hurting
But you tell me

You’re making a masterpiece
You’re shaping the soul in me
You’re moving where I can’t see
And all I am is in your hands
You’re taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see you’re making a masterpiece

Guess I’m your canvas
Beautiful black and blue
Painted in mercy’s hue
I don’t see past this
But you see me now
Who I’ll be then
There at the end
Standing there as

Your Masterpiece
You’re shaping the soul in me
You’re moving where I can’t see
And all I am is in your hands
You’re taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see
You’re making a masterpiece
You’re making a masterpiece

Heart trust you for certain
Head says it’s not working

You’re making a masterpiece
You’re shaping the soul in me
You’re moving where I can’t see
And all I am is in your hands
You’re taking me all apart
Like it was your plan from the start
To finish your work of art for all to see you’re making a masterpiece”

I love that song! It is beautiful!

Greg and I went to a Casting Crowns concert a few weeks ago. Unspoken and Danny Gokey opened for them. It really was a great concert and so many of the songs spoke to me about this time of healing. It was a time of worship for me and I also saw my husband singing along….

I’m still so raw about this affair. Apparently it takes 2-5 years to heal and I’ll never be the same. How do people do this to those they love? I’ll say they can’t. Why is sex with someone else so worth risking all you have built with someone else? As Greg says now- it isn’t. He says it all just makes him sick, that he isn’t the same person, that he thought I didn’t love him, and that he would never be with her again.

I’m just wondering when the pain will go away or if it ever will. I have never experienced pain like this. The closest was the death of my dad when his plane crashed in 1993. He was only 49. It was so unexpected and he was so young. My dad- the one who I thought was bigger than life. He had left our family for another woman and they had been married for almost ten years when he died. We had just gotten our relationship on the right track a few years earlier. Then he was suddenly gone. I still miss him yet I find myself angry with him all over again because I now know the pain my mother went through. I was the same age as our youngest was when she found out about her dad (13) and I just didn’t know how to comfort my mother. All the anger I had for him then has resurfaced. Yet when he died, it hurt so badly and it took me a very long time to get over it. Betrayal is similar in that you go through the stages of grief yet it is so different. I’m going through all of this because Greg did it to me. He thought nothing of the pain he was inflicting on me to have his affair. I think it would have been better if I had lost Greg through death. I know it sounds horrible to say, but at least I would have still had respect for him, the feelings of love I had before I found out about the affair, and the hope that he would wake up and be the man I married again unstained by someone else. How can I ever see him as anything other than a cheater now and my betrayer?

My emotions are all over the place. Right now I hate Greg for what he did. I’ll always hate the slut who was such a low life and easy and cared nothing about breaking up my family but I don’t have a relationship with her. And I realize that the other betrayed spouse could have the same feelings for my husband. I feel like cheaters deserve each other. I don’t believe my husband deserves me. We had been together 32 years before he cheated and had been each other’s first and onlies. Now he has ruined that for me and I don’t believe he deserves to be my only. But I’m not a cheater…..

I’m trying hard to focus on Jesus right now while I wait on Greg to work on his issues. I know my healing will only come through Him. I spend a lot of time listening to praise music and singing in worship to Him. And there are songs I have found that I have clung to during this time. The Casting Crowns album “Thrive” is all about infidelity. I came across the album before I found out and I was stunned because it was as if it was made about my family. Several of Danny Gokey’s songs have meant a lot to me (“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” and “Rise”). Then we went to the concert and I heard “The Comeback” and “Masterpiece”.

Just as “Masterpiece” says, I am stuck here still hurting and I don’t see past this but I know Jesus does and He is working on it. He has my life in His Hands. I can’t see how this will be better. I’ve lost so much. I’ll never get back some things. I am thankful my husband is different than before for the better for him and that is a plus but the affair did not make him this way. He hit rock bottom as result of the affair. He is now horrified by what he did and by who he did it with and I do believe he means that. I believe God is molding him into the man He wants him to be and that’s what I wanted for him all along. It’s what I prayed for so I hope this is not just more deception (if he is deceiving me, that is between him and God). He was really good at deceiving me and pretending that he was on the same page as me as far as my faith was concerned. That has been very difficult for me. I never thought he was lying about his faith. I never expected this cheater baggage because when I married him, he was unstained by another. He had never been with anyone else and I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him that way. This has made me so very angry.

Part of the consequence of what Greg did is that he won’t have the devotion from me that he used to. He won’t have the trust I gave him. We’ll never be what we could have been if he had just communicated with me and worked on problems instead of turning to a trashy slut. If he had just trusted me and listened to me he wouldn’t be here now wishing he had listened. He wouldn’t have to deal with this pain he knows he is putting me through. I believe there will always be a distance between us. I have detached quite a bit for my own protection. I’m becoming a stronger me. I don’t see how I’ll ever get past this. But if it is what God wants, then I know He can help me through that. And if Greg continues to grow in Him, then he will become a safe person for me because I know God will be leading him. Only time will show me that. And a long time at that. I do believe that no matter what, God will make a masterpiece of my life because I have placed my life in His Hands. I want Him to be glorified whatever His Will for my life.