For four months after Greg made the choice to fight for our marriage and me, he denied anything physical with the other person (I refuse to call her “woman” because she isn’t). Greg was busy working on our marriage and spending as much time with me as possible. He was stunned when I suggested we should play golf together. I always hated golf. But I felt this was something that I should do so we could spend more time together. When we began to play, he said he had never had so much fun. We really were enjoying each other. He seemed like such a different person from that day before he gave me Psalm 130.

He told me that he had prayed that morning he was given Psalm 130 for God to do in him what he had done in me. He began reading the Bible and wanted me to do Bible study with him so I did. This was so new to me. He had so many questions and seemed to be soaking up everything. I had prayed for so many years that this man would surrender to Jesus and take on the leadership role in our home. It seemed this prayer had been answered. I was so thankful and thought we had come dangerously close to losing everything but we had been spared. I never thought Greg had gotten as low as he had. 

Of course, Greg knew all along the extent of what he had done. He claims that when God pulled him out of that pit, He pulled the blinders off him. Greg said he couldn’t believe what he had done and he was so scared I would find out and leave him so he continued to lie to me. Things didn’t add up to me and I continued to feel in my gut that there was more to the story. Listen to your gut instincts. As I questioned, Greg continued to deny. He never seemed to grieve the loss of his relationship with her as I have read so many do. Some seem to stay in what is called the affair fog and I’ve watched several of my friends’ husbands continue in the affair fog and leave them for the adulteress. The only “affair fog” I saw was when I confronted him about my suspicions and told him he had to fire her. He was so strange looking and seemed so cold. It was a look I had seen in my dad when he had his affair. Greg looked like someone possessed and he actually claims that during that time it felt like he was. He says that was just not him. And I agree. He was a very different person during that time. Our oldest daughter has always had a great relationship with him and she claims that one time during those 5 months she saw him looking as if he was looking right through her. He was very hateful to her during that time. After I found out about the affair, Greg explained to me that he was trying to figure out how to get rid of her and keep me from finding out. She had just started pushing her weight around and he feared she would tell me and I would leave him. The day before I confronted him, she had really disrespected his position as her boss. She was showing her true colors and the real reason for her affair. He said that he was afraid when he dissolved her position that she was going to tell me but he was glad that I was forcing him to deal with it. He told me that when God opened his eyes, he was just done with her and the thought of her and what he had done made him sick. I actually saw how sick it truly made him when I was questioning him after I knew the truth and asked him what if I had done that to him. He jumped out of the truck and threw up. 

On November 13 (D-day/Discovery Day), Greg went to work for an hour or so. This time, he left his computer and I decided to go search his email. I found from one email that the ex-employee had another email account. I searched that email address and up came the proof that Greg had been unfaithful to me. 

No wife should ever have to read the kind of exchanges I read between my husband and this adulteress. I would never wish this on anyone except those who do it to their spouses. I do hope that the adulteress gets betrayed in the manner she betrayed me. Those who choose to do this deserve it happening to them. When I read the exchanges, I felt as if my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. I screamed out and collapsed. How could he have ever betrayed me like this? Not my Greg. What kind of person does this?

Our kids were home and heard me scream so they came to my aide. I was crying at this time and I told them what I had found. We are very open with our children. The youngest is 13 and I was 13 when my dad did this to my mother. If I could handle knowing everything (within reason) at that age, so could she. I have a close relationship with them and I want to be as transparent as I can. I will not lie to them.

I rushed to the phone and called Greg, told him I knew, and hung up on him. I then called my closest friend and told her. While I was still on the phone with her, Greg arrived home. He continued to deny even with the proof. Apparently, this is common with cheaters. He continued to claim it was not a physical affair. But then I found the evidence of their first trip together. At that point, he told me I would not find proof of the other trip they took but he told me she went to Vegas with him. I was stunned. I just could not wrap my head around this information. The trip to Vegas was the month before her position was terminated. It was when we were trying to work on our marriage. How could he do this to me and claim he loved me? How could she do this to her husband and very young children? If she could do this to her kids, no wonder she cared nothing about what she was doing to me and mine. People who cheat are so very selfish. And that goes for my husband as well. But I believe Jesus is changing that in him. I have seen no remorse from the adulteress. I don’t believe she has morals or a conscious. What she did to my children is inexcusable. And she can live in fear that her children will eventually find out just how selfish she is and how she cared nothing about them and their future.

Greg and I had problems. No marriage is without problems. Healthy people work through them in a healthy manner. Cheaters are broken people. Cheaters avoid dealing with their brokenness and issues and choose to live in a fantasy avoiding as much responsibility they can. Cheaters don’t respect their spouses’ needs. They don’t communicate with their spouses. Cheaters lie to their spouses and they lie to the other partner. There is nothing honest about their relationship. It’s all built on lies. An adulterous relationship is two selfish people using each other to escape their true lives. I’ll never understand how either could ever trust the other to tell them the truth. It is so hard to think that my husband believed the empty lies that she spoke and they made him feel good. How can lies help you feel good? Give me truth. He betrayed our children and me for those empty lies. 

Greg and I began marriage counseling two weeks after D-day and continue going each week. We were blessed to be able to see this counselor. He has told Greg that no matter what he thought about our marriage and me, he was wrong for cheating and he is now in the fight of his life if he wants to save this marriage. 

Since he broke our vows, I no longer feel married. I told him he would have to win my heart again. If he wants me, he has to court me. If we get to that point, he will have to marry me again. And I’m not settling. I told him he must be extraordinary. I will accept nothing less. And there are no guarantees. I always said that if he cheated we were over. We may be. I may not want to continue life with someone who betrayed me so horribly. I know it will take Jesus healing this heart. 

Besides the changes God has made in him, Greg has made many changes in his behavior. Many of the things are things he did when we were dating. He seems more like the guy I fell in love with. He no longer sits in front of a tv in the evening. I used to try to get him to spend time with his family but he just wanted to sit in front of the tv while life passed him by. He would just get angry with me for saying anything. I told him that one day he would regret all the wasted time. He does not go alone to the country club to drink on the way home from work anymore. He also doesn’t drink alone anymore. He is showing respect for me and to prove he was very serious about us, he sold the dealership where the affair began. To keep me from being alone and going into depression during my grieving process, he started taking me to work with him. We work side by side now. And he says he values my input and enjoys me working with him. He said he can’t believe he didn’t want that before. We spend the majority of our time together. We are rarely apart. We go on weekly dates. He learned how to cook breakfast and makes it for me most mornings. He goes outside and cuts roses to put on my plate and also makes sure I always have fresh flowers in our room and bathroom. He picks wildflowers for me when we are at our farm and he sometimes stops the car to pick them on the side of the road. He opens the car door for me and won’t allow me to touch the handle. He pulls out the chair for me when we go to dinner. He blesses our food. He writes me letters most days. He leads prayer as he prays with me. He reads the Bible and studies things I studied. He reads books on how to help me heal. He holds me when I cry. Most importantly, he is learning to communicate with me and answers questions I have. Communication is my love language and he has not been able to show me that love for many years. He bought a motorhome for us to travel in and he loves to plan trips for our family and plan trips just for the two of us. This is after we had a fifth wheel and he hated it. I had talked him into it because we were separated so much because of his travel for work and then our son’s tennis tournaments. It would enable us to be together more. He didn’t tell me he didn’t want to get one. He just bought it and it became another issue in our marriage. He sold the fifth wheel and bought the motorhome because he knew I would enjoy it and now he actually enjoys camping. He keeps trying to plan things to do in it. I’m not sure what man really does all of that and I don’t think one would do it if he wasn’t truly remorseful and truly committed. This is all like a rollercoaster and not many would stick around through it. You have to really want to stay to deal with the aftermath of an affair. Betrayed spouses go through a lot trying to heal and it would not be easy for one to watch the pain he/she put the spouse through. It would be easier to just leave. It is a lot of hard work if a couple really deals with it so it doesn’t happen again. And I’ve read numerous stories of it happening again so I want to make sure I do all to safeguard against that. I have to feel that my husband is safe and can be trusted. And no matter all of the changes he has made and all the sweet things he has done, I’m not sure at this point he can be. That’s the hardest part. 

Since our marriage is dead to me, I don’t celebrate our anniversary any longer. Greg won’t let it go. And this last anniversary, he planned a very romantic private dinner and gave me a promise ring to start over. He worked really hard and was very creative in the way he gave it to me.

What we had is gone forever. I am forever changed by this. I’m still grieving all that I lost due to this betrayal. I will never give Greg blind trust ever again. I should never have before. No spouse should give a spouse blind trust. Everyone is capable of evil. Even if someone plans on being faithful, there are those out there who do not respect boundaries and marriage vows.  I know now that when people have no self worth, they are capable of anything and fall for anything. Even the most honorable man can fall at any given moment when another person is filling his ears with lies. Perhaps he and his wife have been disagreeing lately and another person senses that and begins to play on it and support that man in his position against his wife. An alliance has been formed between these two against the spouse….. Where will it lead? And the spouse doesn’t know this is going on. If anyone thinks his/her marriage is immune to infidelity, he/she better wake up. 85% of affairs start at the workplace….. Affairs don’t normally start because they set out to have an affair. Coworkers are together many hours and begin sharing personal information innocently. Friendships are built and lines are eventually crossed without ever meaning to. One thing just leads to another. And then there are some employees who lack morals and are looking to better their lives so they set out to steal another woman’s husband….. My biggest mistake in my marriage was trusting blindly and not holding my husband accountable. I thought he had morals and boundaries and was protecting our marriage. His position gave him the flexibility to have his affair but I never thought he would do that to me. And I didn’t realize that we had a trashy employee who would do such a thing. I’ve learned that the only One I can trust is Jesus. Every person I come in contact with will fail me at some point. Jesus will not.

Our counselor says most marriages do not make it through this. He says it is much harder to work on and restore the marriage than to divorce. He and other experts say that despite the affair, we can have a better and stronger marriage than we ever had if we do the work necessary. Will we? I don’t know. I know several friends who were not given the opportunity to reconcile because their cheating spouses left them for their cheating partner. I’m not sure that I am thankful that he stayed. There are days I am so angry that he would ever do this to me. Most days at this point. How would I feel to be free to pursue a relationship with someone else? Would I find anyone else any better? And then I would have to deal with the step this and step that and all the ex stuff. And that is why I’m so angry. I don’t have much of a choice but I do have a choice.

God did give me “permission” in His word to divorce if I feel I need to. Yet I fully believe that He has given me a promise if I stay married through Joel 2:25, “Then I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten.” Although the promise was originally meant for Israel, I feel it very strongly in my heart that He is in this and He will be glorified in this story whatever the outcome. God always uses the broken stories for greatness. I choose to share my story hoping it will help others going through this or it will help others wake up and protect their marriages. God is a God of miracles and I am going to watch Him heal this broken heart. I trust Him to do so.